Daily Click

Mar 7, 2018

Stop relying on a man: Be a vigorous wife!

The day we decide to marry the man we love, does not mean it would be the day we decide to forget all of our solo life. I do hope that woman especially married woman not to do this kind of early mistakes to your life, in the beginning of your marriage. Married does not mean that you will rely on a man to decide everything for yourself. Marriage is a phase from being single to being with someone you call a ‘husband’. Just like when you move from being a high school student to a university student, or to a working environment. From childhood to adulthood. You move to another phase in life, a write of passage. Reality check is, not all men understand what woman really need in their life. It is not about giving out red roses, chocolates, romantic loves notes and anniversary dinner, its neither about giving the appreciation messages saying that "you are the only woman i love in my whole life", "no one would even replace you in my life", "I can't live without you", "my life is nothing without you" and the list go on, because the truth is beyond those for a woman. 

image from http://imme.blogfa.com/1396/09
Talking about our grandmothers time is totally incomparable to our time. We could see that they are not generally free to pick their career which they ended up chose to be a teacher, nurse or any decent work which allows them to have flexible time and ample time to look after the families. However, in our times, women have the freedom to pick a career of our choice and pursue it even if we have to take job that man do such as a pilot! Woman in our times should believe that married  is not merely a give up to what we used to do; be it our social life, me time, time we need to be alone, beliefs, hobbies or even things we consider to develop our career further. Being typical, we don't want to go against our husband and avoid ourself from being selfish. By tossing away our own passions and interests, we sometimes lose our authenticity, we lost ourself in the process. We try hard to be a good wife and mother to our family and pretend to agree to what we actually disagree which there can be no truly happy outcome to that, there is a saying, a happy wife is a happy house. But we often say, it is okay, at least we make people around us happy and people surrounding know that you really have a happy marriage. But, ask yourself again, are you happy doing it? No offense to those who are happy with being unauthentic, but to those who think you just couldn't bear with it. think twice, thrice, you may still have potential to discuss with your spouse that you need some me-time, your social life with your best friends and so on.

just for illustration

Believe me, actually women need personal space and want day out solo! Don't lie to yourself. You don't realize this while you still having good relationship with your spouse. Alhamdulillah, grateful to God that our marriage is fine, and being stay-at-home-mom also still give you happiness and blessings and you think that what I'm telling you above is totally irrelevant. Don't judge before you read some of the real stories I would like to share.

If you are stay-at-home-mom (SAHM), don't be confident that your spouse will not betray you. I'm sorry, it is sinful to invite suspicious towards our husband, but nothing is wrong to have some precaution actions to our life too. We never know what is fated in the future, despite we are praying to God to protect our marriage, but still there unfaithful cases happened. We as woman can't blame the fact that men can marry 4 wives at a time and if they want, they will. So some precautions would do to protect us too. This is not only applies to stay-at-home-mom, it applies to working mom as well. Don't make your hubs take you for granted. Sometimes, when the wife is earning more than the husband, we tend to spend our salary on paying bills, kids school fees, paying cars and even paying for a house installment. Remember, the responsibilities to provide shelter, foods, clothes lies on the husband. We can help with our salary for the wants but not for the needs. I do hope that wives able to differentiate between wants and needs. 

image from http://naomiblog15.blogspot.my/2015/05/
If you are a working woman, don't surrender all your income to your family. Please remember that the responsibility to raise family is actually on your husband. Common, mistake that wives do is to pay almost all bills with the intention to help husband's burden. Yes, but you can choose to moderately help. Don't let your husband takes you for granted. Simple things that most of the married couple do is purchasing a house. Some of the wives purchased the house, get the monthly salary deducted to her payslip without realizing that the one who has to provide the accommodation is actually lies on husband's shoulder, unless if your husband pays you back for the installment deducted.

authors' collection :)

I had a friend of mine who just get her divorce 3 months ago. She realized for the past 7 years, she was the one who paid bills, kids school fees, foods, paid for the car and even a house and the husband took hers for granted. The truth was, she never cares paying those because she is earning more than the husband. She even paid for the medical insurance for the kids while the husband did not. After all, the husband did not treat her well, did not allow her to hang out with friends, stop her from spending money at the coffee shop, and even get jealous when she get the chance to develop her career better. The husband felt inferior and would rather see his wife to be stagnant, no need to be women with power. Hell yeah! She managed to get her divorce after 5 years of being abused too, mentally, emotionally and physically. You know what she feels right now? She feels free, she gets her wings back. Maybe that’s why when many women divorce, it feels so freeing. Suddenly, they have time to return to the things they love or find new interests. God bless.

author's collection too :)

So to husband out there, don't take your wife as granted, love them, free them, guide them. Lower down your ego if they are more successful compared to you. They might be successful and powerful at work place, but at home they are still your wife, they know how to respect you as a man, as the head of the house. Give them their free time, allow time for their own solo time, allow them to have their personal time. Allow your wife to spend hours with girlfriends outside without kids along, provide full responsibility to even understand what women do need once in a while such as shopping theraphy, go to spa, having a very private personal time such as pay bills for their nail salon, spa, massage, facial, hair treatment and so on. Women who are reading this, do you agree that you guys need those that I mentioned? You are being normal if you say Yes. Thanks!

Please remember ladies, you have to love yourself first and everything else falls in line. For me, no harm for being selfish because eventually, we are what we do. All the efforts we make in life will shape us in future. I'm not writing this for you to go against your man/husband. Its not about that at all. From few conversations I had with my friends (whose some of them have freedom kind of issues with their husband), I can conclude that women do need their free life too. It doesn’t mean when you are married, you can only leave your "cage" when you are allowed to do so, and off course not even after you get your divorce. You need to get this while you are living happily with your man. My man used to be a controlled man as well during our early marriage, but to convince man that we need to have life to stay active, happy, free, and less depression is not that hard though. Man that loves us should have trust us, no suspicious and allow us to do things we like. I don't have freedom freak issue with my man. I don't care what people say about me, mocking me for  I'm having life which I'm not supposed to do as married woman. I used to go out with friends (officemate) or sometimes, I spend time to hang out with my former uni mates. For me, as long as my husband knows whom I meeting with, he has no control issue over me. You have to belief that there is no woman wants to be in a relationship where she feels she doesn't have the independence she knows she deserves. 

convince man you love

I'm sorry if my write up hurts anyone, I just want women to understand that we need precaution actions to secure ourself. If anything happen especially at the state where your man said, he has no longer loves you (for whatever reasons), you do have some guarantee that you will live even better without them. 

Happy International Women Day! 
Get your man to treat you like a queen, then only they deserve a treatment like a King!

image from http://hoontoidly.blogspot.my/


Wahida Shukeri

Nov 5, 2017

Dalam Suka Ada Duka; Semoga ini yang terakhir!

It is good to let people know that we are living a better and happy life all the times. Everything we shared over social media are actually an attention either people accept it in positive or negative ways. As for mine, I have always mixed my posts to my socmed and most of the time, it illustrated how colorful my life have been all these while. True. I shared about my beautiful kids, how attentive they have been to me and husband, I shared about my career achievement, I shared about my education achievement, how proud I am to have a Dr. Wahida title to my name, I shared about my proud business Modista Sutera, I shared almost everything which make my life happy and look better. Above all, I sometimes shared about my siblings to my fb; eg; (read this;) and again today I shall write one more. 

Dalam suka ada duka, i'm all fine

Selalunya, banyak shared posts from IIUM Confession yang lalu through my FB newsfeed. Rata-ratanya yang menulis tanpa identiti sebenar tapi penceritaannya menarik minat netizen utk menghayati. Same thing goes to me, it just that I don't hide my identity. You are free to read about me, and nothing that I feel shy to share. I shall write in Bahasa Melayu, sebab posting macam ni saya berniat supaya anak-anak muda remaja dapat hadam dan fahami dengan baik, semoga yang baik-baik saja untuk anda di masa hadapan. (Please be reminded that I'll use the term "aku" to represent myself, please allow me).

Ogos 2015

Adik aku ditangkap polis bersama-sama seorang kawannya kerana pecah masuk rumah anggota polis dan mencuri beberapa barang berharga. Kawannya berumur 19 tahun pada ketika itu, dan adik aku berumur 15 tahun pada ketika itu. Laporan polis meletakkan adik sebagai Orang Kena Tuduh (OKT) nombor 2 dan kawannya OKT nombor 1 kerana adik aku menghantar kawan nya ke rumah anggota polis tersebut. Dia dikira bersubahat, (simple dan betul.) Pada waktu itu, adik aku masih bersekolah di kampung (Kelantan) tetapi dalam pengawasan ibu bapa yang sangat minima kerana dia banyak menghabiskan masa di rumah nenek kami. Ibubapa kami dalam fasa perceraian pada waktu itu. Pada waktu itu, sementara menunggu perbicaraan di mahkamah, adik aku diikat jamin sebanyak RM2,500. Aku masih membiarkan dia di kampung pada ketika itu sehingga habis PT3. 

April 2016 

Aku mengambil keputusan utk membawa dia (16 tahun) dan seorang lagi adik (14 tahun) tinggal bersama-sama aku di Perlis memandangkan kehidupan mereka berdua di kampung tiada pengawasan sepenuhnya. Apatah lagi nak ke sekolah. Aku nekad, sebelum keadaan menjadi lebih teruk dan tak dapat dikawal, aku maklumkan pada suami utk membenarkan mereka tinggal dan bersekolah di Perlis dengan harapan mereka jauh dari persekitaran yang tidak baik di kampung. Aku uruskan semua urusan perpindahan sekolah, pergi ke sekolah lama mereka dan pindahkan mereka ke Perlis pada April, 2016. Alhamdulillah adik aku Alif (16 tahun - Form 4) dan Ashran (14 tahun - Form 2) sanggup utk berpindah sekolah dalam keadaan terpaksa. Alif punya rekod kehadiran di sekolah lama aku rasa dalam (8/63 hari), manakala Ashran (13/63 hari) lebih kurang. Rekod akademik tak payah cakaplah. Memang out sebab semua exam almost TH (tidak hadir). Bersabarlah dengan tebalkan muka jumpa cikgu di sekolah lama yang mana sekolah lama tu sekolah aku dulu. Aku dulu best student kat sekolah tu, bila sampai tang adik-adik, mmg cikgu boleh tanya berkali2, betul ke adik awak? betul ni? Itu cerita nak amik surat berhenti sekolah di sekolah lama, dah dapat semua dokumen, aku kena kuatkan hati utk daftarkan mereka di sekolah baru di Perlis pula. Aku dah boleh agak apa yang cikgu di sekolah baru akan cakap dan bukan senang nak terima pelajar baru yang keadaan pun x berapa nak cemerlang ofkos. Aku tebalkan muka jugak, bercakap dengan pengetua, kaunselor dan PK HEM sekolah baru tersebut supaya beri peluang pada mereka berdua, dan dalam masa yang sama berjanji dengan mereka aku akan cuba groom adik2 aku supaya mereka selalu pergi sekolah, tak ponteng dan tak buat hal. Itu paling penting, nak berjanji dari segi akademik, memang x berani takut dikatakan munafik, berjanji tapi tak ditepati. Aku rasa sebab pekerjaan aku, cikgu ada sedikit keyakinan yang aku boleh guide mereka, jadi mereka diterima di sekolah tersebut Alhamdulillah. 

November 2016

Mak aku call dari kampung kata adik aku (Alif) kena hadir perbicaraan di mahkamah. Katanya dah 6 kali tak pergi perbicaraan dan sudah keluar waran tangkap. Allahu. Kenapa tidak dimaklumkan lebih awal, paling2 pun aku boleh bawak dia balik utk hadir perbicaraan. Jadi 24/11/2016, aku balik (Kelantan) dengan alif dan bawak dia ke sesi perbicaraan. Hari yang gloomy pada aku, pada hari kami hadirkan diri, majistret dalam keadaan yang marah kerana dia skip  court trial for 6 times consecutively dan dikenakan jamin sebanyak RM12,500 kalau nak bebas sementara menunggu next trial bulan December plak. I still remember how Alif was defended himself to the judge that he lives in Perlis, and he had examinations sebab tu dia x  datang trial. Unfortunately, the reasons was heard with no action, ye lah dah 6 kali x datang trial court tu dah dikira menghina mahkamah. So dengan sedih hatinya aku bayar lah jamin RM12,500 tu supaya Alif boleh pergi sekolah macam biasa. Kalau aku x bayar jamin tu, means Alif has to end up his life dekat sekolah juvana dulu lah sehingga perbicaraan dan penghakiman selesai. There gone my money RM12.5k dan tunggu perbicaraan pada bulan December 2016 plak. 

December 2016

Balik kampung lagi hadir perbicaraan dan mahkamah kata tiada laporan lagi, perbicaraan ditangguhkan ke bulan hadapan (January 2017).

January 2017

Balik kampung lagi hadir perbicaraan dan mahkamah kata tiada laporan lagi, perbicaraan ditangguhkan ke bulan hadapan (February 2017).

March 2017

Balik kampung lagi hadir perbicaraan dan mahkamah kata tiada laporan lagi, perbicaraan ditangguhkan ke bulan hadapan (April 2017).

April 2017

Balik kampung lagi hadir perbicaraan dan Alhamdulillah, penghakiman dibuat yang mana kawan dia (OKT 1) dikenakan hukuman penjara selama 12 bulan manakala alif dikenakan hukuman ke sekolah juvana sebab dia bawah umur, Sekolah Tunas Bakti (STB) selama 3 tahun. Luluh tak hati masa tu? Yes, luluh seluluhnya. Aku dah jaga Alif hampir setahun, dalam masa setahun tu, tiada perkara jahat dan jenayah yang dia buat, all I can say he is all clean, perubahan yang ada pada diri dia, sekolah pergi macam biasa (memang ada jugak hari yang skip sekolah ulang alik balik Kelantan) dan banyak boleh bantu aku buat keje-keja kat butik dan bantu husband aku utk few things. Jadi bila dia kena hantar ke STB tu, rasa macam gelap gelita sekejap. Hati aku merintih lebih, sedih, buntu dan paling penting macamana aku nak baca perasaan Alif tu sendiri. aku yang nangis lebih, dia macam cool aku tengok. I hugged him in the court, and promised him that I will help him out from the school. I will do anything that I can do to help him supaya minda dan mental dia dalam keadaan yang kuat, kuat utk menerima dugaan dan masih ada jalan keluar utk dia. Jadi pada hari tersebut, dia tak boleh ikut aku balik ke Perlis anymore. Polis dah amik dia utk bawa ke STB. Aku call someone (i don't need to mention, but till today I would thank this man for the rest of my life). Dia suruh aku g jumpa lawyer kat Kota Bharu utk buat rayuan ke Mahkamah Tinggi. Alhamdulillah itu juga rezeki. Tapi sementara nak menunggu rayuan ke Mahkamah Tinggi diterima oleh Mahkamah Sesyen, alif terpaksa di hantar ke STB dulu. Hanya Allah yang tahu betapa gundah gulana nya hati aku dalam waktu tersebut. Utk melalui hari aku tanpa alif bersama-sama kami di rumah tu rasa kosong dan lain sangat. Itu aku, suami aku merasai benda yang sama. Bila kami makan, kami teringat dia sebab rutinnya kami selalu makan di luar bersama setiap hari atau kalaupun suami aku beli makanan di luar, selalunya Alif yang akan ikut sekali. Bila alif xde tu, kami sedih. Aishah pun tanya, mami, uncle alif mana? Aishah dan akif panggil alif dengan panggilan "Uncle". Bila Aishah tanya macam tu, aku jadi lagi sedih. Selama 3 minggu alif di STB, dua kali aku sempat melawat dia. Peraturannya di STB, bagi pelatih baru yang baru masuk, keluarga hanya dibenarkan melawat selepas 1-2 minggu mereka disana. Kali pertama aku melawat dia, hati luluh dan sedih lagi. Aku rasa sebab aku over think of him there. Setiap saat aku sepanjang dia di STB, aku berdoa semoga Allah memudahkan keadaan dia di situ, memberi kelapangan dada kepadanya supaya dia tak patah semangat. sungguh, hampir setiap saat yang aku ada, adalah saat aku berdoa semoga dia baik-baik saja di situ. Ofkos ada cerita di STB tapi tak perlu diceritakan di sini. 3 minggu dia di situ dan Alhamdulillah sampai ke hari ni, paling2 aku dapat kenal dgn salah seorang cikgu disana yang aku rasakan seperti kawan. Terima Kasih Puan. 

May 2017

Rayuan ke mahkamah tinggi diterima oleh mahkamah sesyen, dan melalui lawyer yang aku kira berpengalaman, dia downgrade kan dirinya semata-mata utk amik kes adik aku Alhamdulillah. Ini juga rezeki and tq to the man who introduced him to me. Kami buat rayuan supaya Alif tidak dihantar ke STB utk tempoh 3 tahun bagi memberi laluan kepada dia utk fokus pada SPM dia dan kami juga membuat rayuan supaya denda dikenakan instead of hantar dia ke STB. Sebab aku yakin, kes pecah rumah yang dia buat dulu adalah sebelum dia tinggal dengan aku. Sudah 2 tahun berlalu, dan sepanjang tempoh itu, dia tidak terlibat dengan sebarang salah laku atau jenayah. Aku yakin, hukuman utk hantar dia ke STB 3 tahun itu akan lebih merosakkan minda dia. Sementara menunggu rayuan di Mahkamah Tinggi didengar, Alif dibenarkan dijamin dengan RM10,000 utk keluar dari STB buat sementara waktu sehingga rayuan di mahkamah tinggi diterima. Aku membayar RM10,000 dan Alhamdulillah Alif dah boleh keluar dari STB dan boleh kembali ke sekolah seperti biasa.

November 2017

Aku rasa penghakiman di Mahkamah Tinggi lebih cepat kerana pada hari yang sama penghakiman dibuat. Aku suka mendengar reason penghakiman yang dibuat yang mana Yang Arif mengatakan ianya lebih baik kepada kanak-kanak ini ditempatkan dibawah pengawasan kakak sulungnya yang mana persekitarannya jauh lebih baik dari di STB. Alhamdulillah, Alif tak perlu ke STB tetapi dikenakan denda sebanyak RM6,000 dengan mengambil kira kerugian kepada mangsa pecah rumah dulu. Takpe lah, walaupun Alif ni Pesalah No 2 dan kena menanggung denda tersebut, aku tetap lihat semua ni dari sudut positif. Aku malas nak mengeluh dan count my fingers for the money I lost. Money comes and go, ada rezeki Allah bagi lebih lagi, selalu pun begitulah kehidupan aku selama ni, the more i spent, the more Allah rewards me. Dan esok Alif akan ambil peperiksaan SPM sehingga 23/11. Aku doakan yang baik-baik untuk dia. Aku x mungkin dapat jaga dan jadikan dia sehingga ke tahap yang aku dan suami capai sekarang, tapi aku yakin sepanjang dia tinggal dengan kami, terlalu banyak peluang pekerjaan yang berasaskan kemahiran yang kami telah dedahkan pada dia yang sedikit sebanyak memberi laluan utk dia berfikir tentang masa depan dia. Aku rasa aku dah cukup bangga boleh jaga dia sampai ke tahap ini sebab abang2 dia sebelum ni aku x mampu buat seperti yang aku buat pada dia. Aku bangga akhirnya aku mampu jaga dia sampai dia boleh seat for his SPM. Aku ingat dulu masa awal2 dia ikut kami ke Perlis, susahnya nak paksa heret dia ke sekolah. Aku tarik dia, put his head on my lap, with strong heart I had to push myself to be patient, that I still have hopes. God bless, I think I managed to do it. Kalau dapat diundurkan masa, aku nak buat benda yang sama pada 4 abang dia tapi sayangnya aku x mampu pada waktu itu. All of them are school drop out and been to prisonAfter all, I wish my parent in Allah's blessing too no matter how far u both have separated, Ameen. 

I hope this will be the last pic of me at the court.

'Alif, buat yang terbaik untuk kehidupan di masa depan. I might not be your favorite sister, but please know this, I want you to have better life in the future. Takpe x belajar sampai masuk universiti, macam aku kata lah, kemahiran tu lagi boleh buat mu kaya raya kalau kena cara dan gaya. Good luck utk exam esok!

Kekuatan yang sangat berharga yang aku dapat sepanjang mengharungi semua ini adalah mereka bertiga. Man I love most my husband, and two adorable kids in my life, Aishah & Akif.

"Ya Allah Ya tuhanku, berikan kehidupan kepada seluruh adik beradik dan kaum keluarga ku sebuah kehidupan yang telah Engkau kurniakan pada aku selama ini. Bukakanlah hati mereka sepertimana Engkau telah bukakan hati aku selama ini. Ameen."